Garcon means boy

September 20, 2005
Rated R on appeal for extensive use of extremely explicit sex-related dialogue.

We were having trouble deciding between “I’m 37!?!?” from Clerks and “Prologue” (Pumpkin & Honey Bunny) from Pulp Fiction. The voting was pretty even amongst those polled, but we finally decided on Clerks.

The scene from Clerks is a little consistently funnier and much dirtier (Blowjob discussions are always crowd pleasers!) and we also thought it was a little tougher in terms of its rapidity, and would score us points for difficulty.

Once we decided that, I made an Audio CD of the dialogue in that scene. Raven & I listened to it on repeat all the way to the theatre, we both listened to it while we were waiting to go backstage, and we listened to it on the way from the theatre to the The Local.

At this point I should probably mention that it was requested that contestants arrive at 8:30 to check in. I seem to have managed to get the worst traffic karma in the world of late. What is normally a 3 minute stretch of 35E took at least 25 minutes and apparently there was no reason other than two State Troopers with their lights flashing sitting on the side of the road and chatting. Oh sure, there probably was an accident there or something, but seriously, get off the damn road if you’re just going to sit and talk about how much the Vikings suck! (Sorry Kaiser.)

So, we arrived a little after 8:30 but still well before the 9:02 registration deadline. They had us draw a number for when we’d perform and I drew 21. There were 30 teams that had qualified. (Actually 29, I’m pretty sure due to a clerical oversight one team qualified on two separate weeks.) Surprisingly, only 13 teams were present however. This may have been due to the last minute change of date, but was surprising nonetheless. We were pleased that we didn’t have to start too early in the lineup. (This also allowed time for some of our friends with other obligations to arrive and still see us perform.)

There was also a surprise in the appointment of three “celebrity” judges, as opposed to the lone judge that was previously designated, the emcee. The judges were from Mpls St Paul Magazine, The Pioneer Press, and, of course, The Onion. This was a little nerve-racking since we didn’t know what their expectations would be. I mean, the emcee gets to hear all the vulgar and dirty scenes every night, would these judges be as appreciative?

I suppose I should mention at this point that we went all out for this one. We had costumes. We had props. We were prepared.

I wore my steel toe boots, khakis, a white T-shirt, and a black dress shirt unbuttoned. Raven wore acid-washed jeans, a poofy white blouse, and a blazer. She even managed a good imitation of the teased hair in a ponytail. I also grabbed my Pizza Hut baseball cap for the first few seconds of the scene when I play Willam.

For those of you who’ve never done Movieoke before, let me clue you in on something. Portions of film without dialogue seem perfectly natural when viewing a movie. However, when doing Movieoke, where there are no sounds other than the ones you produce with your microphone. Silences of as little as 10 seconds can seem like an eternity. There is a moment in our scene where no one talks for at least 8 seconds. Normally, we just ad-lib some thoughts of the characters, but since we were being judged on our accuracy, we thought that might not be best. Therefore, we brought in a tiny bag of Cheetos and put some coins on an appetizer plate to simulate the purchase of an item and making change.

The Event

First performer of the night does a scene from The Two Towers where Gollum is talking to himself. She does really well, but audience reaction is pretty low key. Phil & Abe do the Drill Sergeant scene from Full Metal Jacket, and the audience is really into it. There are a few other scenes done, but for whatever reason they don’t worry me. Generally it was poor audience reaction and a few people had some trouble syncing with the actors on the screen.

Finally, it’s our turn.

We get onstage, and as our scene starts I put on my cap and stare at the ceiling. People start laughing. This is good. We run through the scene. People actually cheer when we use the Cheetos and Coins for sound effects. We finish the scene. Every time a scene before us got a really big reaction from the crowd, my heart sunk a little bit. This is easily the best and loudest reaction to any scene that night. I expected that our little cheering section would be loud, and I figured we’d get a good reaction in general, but even our closest competitors were cheering. For a few seconds I am simply numb. I managed a bow and slunk off stage left to our little corner of the bar.

The last performer of the night is Zut. My stomach re-tightens a bit. Zut has done kick-ass renditions of Fight Club and The Usual Suspects before. The copy of Usual Suspects he had didn’t have subtitles, he did it from memory. He is good. Miraculously, he does a scene from The Wire, that no one knows, and subsequently, no one seems to get.

Fifteen Minute Break

They start to announce the winners. Phil & Abe get 3rd place, a $50 Gift Card to The Local. I think this is good, we had a better performance tonight.

Second Place goes to the girl who did Gollum, $100 Gift Card.

Aw crap, it’s all or nothin’ now. I certainly thought we did better, but what if for some reason they didn’t like us???

Phil & Abe and their table start pointing at us and clapping. I cross my fingers and give them an “I hope so…” look……

Then it’s announced. We got first place! Round-Trip Airfare, Hotel, and Concert Tickets to U2 in Los Angeles, CA.

Fuckin’ A

Filed under: La Vie,Movieoke — GSeven330


  1. Nina says:

    Huzzah!!!!! It must be something in the genes. I am so excited for you both. Do you have pictures of you guys in your costumes? When do you go to LA?